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Jun. 25th, 2014 | 01:20 am

Trying not to read what I wrote in this journal in the previous post. It's been a while, I had almost forgotten this place exist. In a few hours time, I'll be back in school, working. My head is still in the clouds. I am here again because of this need to whine under a pretext of self-expression. Terribly difficult to start getting into the groove of working. Maybe I should pick up that Napolean Hill book again.

I need to sleep. I am falling asleep. I might get a headache tomorrow when I wake up. Oh boy.

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Feb. 9th, 2014 | 01:37 pm

At this point of my life I just feel incredibly uneasy. Like I can't sit still. I need to get out to somewhere and just go away. I am constantly shaking my legs when I sit down, it gets pretty terrible and vigorous that I get yelled at by people. But the thing is, I don't even realise I'm doing it. Like how you don't realise when you're daydreaming or zoning out. It's kinda bad. I can't focus. I'm writing this down so that when this point of my life has passed, I can look back and remember. Remember how my heart feels like it's thumping like crazy all the time, and as if my lungs is out of air. How I'm constantly looking out the window and how I wish mornings on the weekends won't ever end. This makes doing my job particularly difficult. My mind drifts.

I can't lie. I'm counting down the days. I think the next time I get into a situation where I have to commit myself to something, I shouldn't do it. But I've been psyching myself up, like this point in my life is good for me and it's not too bad. I keep telling myself, I should be really grateful, and I am, like some people are having it worse. So I guess it's all in the state of mind. I tell myself these things. Sometimes it works, I buy my own stories. Sometimes, the heart beats louder. It's a cycle.

So I'm counting down the days when the opportunity to get out of this cycle is there. I'll take it. I'm not gonna tell anyone.

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sickness as a blessing

Feb. 7th, 2014 | 01:24 pm

Today I get to skip out on work, thanks to that all powerful "MC" a.k.a Medical Certificate from the doctor that certifies that I am unfit for work. Except for my terrible sore throat and slight coughing, I don't really feel unfit. So I actually woke up at 5.30 am, showered, and got dressed but didn't actually left for work. Instead, I cleared our studio room and started doing some stuff in it. I always feel giddy/excited whenever I'm home on a weekday. So excited I tend to skip when I walk, wake up early with a smile, have breakfast with my parents, spend some time reading/listening to some meaningful text, hang out with my younger cousins and when I realise I get to do all that and more before the clock hits 12 I get excited and giddy again. It's such a luxury when you're working my job. Although technically, I would be doing an equal amount of activity at work by 12 pm as well however, it's not the same when you get to choose what you want to do, where you want to do it and how long you wan to do it. Oh!, self-employed people, you are the source of my envy. In times like this, I would always have to remind myself hardships are temporary and there will be relief! And I know I will be eternally grateful for this part of my life more when it's over. So until then.

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Sep. 25th, 2013 | 03:20 pm

Things I'm into lately.

The ballet cats - love these guys - the illustrations, the photographs, the products. I recently bought their 'Screaming cat' bag (shown above) which I absolutely adore. Occasionally, my mom uses it too.

Wasted Rita - funny stuff. I wish I was as witty and humorous but not really. Just ordered a couple of zines from her shop. I am very generous with myself when it comes to shopping for books and zines; no second thoughts at all.

Sometimes I can't believe I have a full-time job and am actually tolerating disgusting teenage boys whom I would occasionally imagine hitting their faces with a baseball bat. Reality is stranger than fiction. I am currently eating Milo powder out of the packet with a spoon that is a little too big for this to take place without being messy. Lunch. These days I have been more optimistic and a little bit more sarcastic(sometimes meaner) than usual. It's kinda fresh. Today for the first time I am leaving work before 4 pm. Bringing work home. Feels very weird to do this. On most days, I'm in school for practically 12 hours. It's crazy. Also, Hi. It's been awhile.

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May. 13th, 2013 | 12:52 am

Lately I have been trying to simplify my life and prioritise. And because of that I have discarded several things that I tend to go back to, things which I can't help but put my head in and then spend minutes (sometimes hours) without realising. Slowly, surely, I will be able to control my desires and eventually achieve a peace of heart with as little ounce of envy, ostentation and that other sin of the soul (which I can't remember) left in it.

The anxieties are returning but I'm receiving them more positively than I used to. Breathe in. Calm down. Find God. Breathe out. I think sometimes we get too caught up in impressing people - our family members, our bosses, even our close friends - and forget to impress the most important entity of all.

This coming week is going to be another whirlwind of activities and deadlines to meet. Anxieties making my heart beat faster and mind filled with a thousand thoughts at the same time with most of them - if they were emails, with the tag "for action" attached to it. But I'm going to be firm, calm, think of the bigger picture and tackle these monsters one at a time. Breathe in. Calm down. Find God. Breathe out.

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what are you?

Feb. 6th, 2013 | 07:25 pm

Recently, I have been going for this class relating to the Women of God and in our first lesson we went down to basics and explored the question of knowing who you are and what you want. It's the epitome of existentialist questions and one that many find difficult to answer or discover. But we figured out that it is actually quite simple and the difficult part is actually to not get caught up with the world. Focus; something the children of this generation seem to have a lack of, me included.

My life lately seems to be a never-ending uphill marathon. The good news is that there will be an end to this marathon and that I will finish it. But until then, I need to stick it out, pace myself and be optimistic which of course is easier said than done. Still, life is a preparation, and I'm constantly preparing myself for different exits and have never found myself being close to ready and before I know it, I've unknowingly began a new marathon at the bottom of a new hill. I've decided I'm gonna be wide awake this time. It's difficult, I fall asleep often but as long as I remember who I am, things will fall into place. And as that happens, I will be awake to witness it and I'm gonna be grateful and accepting and embracing every moment. God willing.

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Sep. 3rd, 2012 | 11:07 pm

This afternoon my sister and I went to watch a really good documentary in the theaters.

What a visual treat this film was. A documentary about an amazing sushi chef but also a simple story about one man's strive for perfection and this dedication he and his team exudes, gives me chills.

I've always been in awe at people who have this affirmation of what they want to do in life and the guts to go get it. A colleague told me this not too long ago about the human troubles and there are only two - 1) not knowing what to do with their lives or 2) not knowing how to get it/ get there. Humans who are confused, unhappy or/and unsatisfied are either suffering from either one or both.

I stumbled upon this quote by John Irving and can't help but give a nod to it. It goes like this:
If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it.

Yeah, I guess you gotta find a way of life that you love first.

It's been awhile since I came back here. I am happy to say that I have been busy with good things and this busy-ness has taught me better than before about how precious time is. I've been dealing with things as they come and completing things just in time; getting across the bridge just in time before it collapses. I've been trying to overcome this but sometimes when I feel like I'm making progress the camera zooms out and I realise I've still got a long way to go. But I guess we just need to learn to have faith and remember Him and accept that the world has it's own way of doing things.

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what i don't understand

Feb. 26th, 2012 | 06:58 pm

Life's a big mystery but sometimes you can think rationally and get by but sometimes there's things even rationality can't help. I was having a conversation with my dad about the current state of affairs with the Middle East revolt and it sort of went into the Isreal-Palestinian conflict. I watched this amazing documentary in one of the sociology modules I took in NTU and was left absolutely heartbroken at the state of things. Among other things, what I really don't understand is how Israel is expanding their territory on Palestinian land, taking away the basic human rights and freedom of the Palestinian people and continue to do so till this very day and the whole world doesn't do a single damn thing. Imagine living in illegally occupied land in your own country. How are people so heartless? Why aren't people calling out on these extremist who claim they "own" the land at the expense of thousands of lives? How are we allowing this injustice and oppression to still continue? And further more what the hell are the nations within the Arab League doing? 

This is the link to the documentary I was talking about:
Peace, Propaganda and The Promised Land

Watch it and be enlightened after which you'll probably feel really helpless and mad.

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Jan. 28th, 2012 | 08:05 pm

Bandung, 2011

It's strange how I've been saying that I'm preparing myself for when I get taken away from all that is familiar to me and when that happens I'll be okay, I'll be alright. Well, it just dawned on me that that moment or one most similar to it has arrived (I can see it walking towards my doorstep from my window) and I am not ready and I don't know if I'll be alright. I had finally come to terms (well, almost) with my job and the passion that I need to muster in order to continue with it but now, I'm back to self-doubting and thinking what-did-i-get-myself-into-this-time. I wish I have someone to convince me otherwise, that this is probably good for me but at the same time, I'm feeling optimistic and I won't need that which can be pretty terrifying considering how things don't usually turn out as you've expected it so I don't even know what to think. Maybe I should stop trying to decipher fate. gahhhhhh, dying.

Today, I took a nap in the late afternoon and dreamt that my mom was waking me up asking me if I'd go to MacRitchie reservoir with her to see the sunrise. It turns out it wasn't a dream. I was thinking what I consider familiar and foreign would be totally different for someone else and by someone else, I was thinking about my mom and clearly taking her away from all that is familiar to her is probably equivalent to taking her away from her family because she has such a high dependency on it. I was thinking (hah! I know, hundredth time I've said this word/phrase) that maybe it is important for people to be put away to a foreign place/situation, like a test of the heart and mind. I don't know. Trying to be positive about my whole situation but not really. What should I listen to?

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Jan. 12th, 2012 | 10:13 pm

What an amazing and INCREDIBLY MOVING piece of music and video this is! Love it. Can't help but get emotional over it every time.

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Jan. 5th, 2012 | 09:56 pm
music: Youth lagoon - July

In a few days I'll return to a life of time-tables and deadlines, which I am strangely looking forward to and I'm sure I'll regret saying this a couple of weeks into school. I have a strange fascination with schedules and time-tables, and having my days governed by routines and set times where I do the same thing weekly for a couple of months is kinda...well, fascinating (sigh..my vocabulary). I've already drew my time-table on a scrap piece of paper and will probably redraw it in my black notebook and then update my calendar and errands-list in my iphone with the same thing. And yet, I'm always procrastinating, rushing to be on time/meet deadlines and never early. Another one of those unsolved mysteries.

Here's 3 totally unrelated pictures in this post from our tea party we hosted in July in conjunction with my birthday.


Tomorrow I have big plans.

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Dec. 23rd, 2011 | 01:57 am

About 2 weeks ago I got back from my trip with E to North Africa, well Morocco to be specific. It was an amazing experience, I can't believe we did it. I need to make another trip back.






Will be leaving on another trip to Jakarta and Bandung with the family this time. Hopefully the weather's cool. Will be back soon but in case I don't get back in time, I hope everyone's had a good year. Mine has been eventful.
Happy holidays everyone!

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when i'm in your light nothing brings me down

Oct. 25th, 2011 | 05:48 pm
music: Gotye


It's hard to concentrate on anything else other than November the 29th. The last time I went on a trip that is beyond Malaysia or Batam was about 3 to 4 years ago to LA with my parents and sisters. And I've been yearning to get on an airplane ever since. So excited to go to a new place again.

The whole day today I've been listening to Gotye. He is so amazing and every single interview I see him in, he looks so...happy, it's inspiring. I've been feeling so physically weak and exhausted but at least my spirits are up.

Also, if you're reading this and happen to know someone who's looking for their soulmate, regardless of age, gender, beliefs, etc, please drop me an email which can be found in my userinfo. This is extremely important. Thanks!

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