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Jan. 28th, 2012 | 08:05 pm

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Bandung, 2011


It's strange how I've been saying that I'm preparing myself for when I get taken away from all that is familiar to me and when that happens I'll be okay, I'll be alright. Well, it just dawned on me that that moment or one most similar to it has arrived (I can see it walking towards my doorstep from my window) and I am not ready and I don't know if I'll be alright. I had finally come to terms (well, almost) with my job and the passion that I need to muster in order to continue with it but now, I'm back to self-doubting and thinking what-did-i-get-myself-into-this-time. I wish I have someone to convince me otherwise, that this is probably good for me but at the same time, I'm feeling optimistic and I won't need that which can be pretty terrifying considering how things don't usually turn out as you've expected it so I don't even know what to think. Maybe I should stop trying to decipher fate. gahhhhhh, dying.

Today, I took a nap in the late afternoon and dreamt that my mom was waking me up asking me if I'd go to MacRitchie reservoir with her to see the sunrise. It turns out it wasn't a dream. I was thinking what I consider familiar and foreign would be totally different for someone else and by someone else, I was thinking about my mom and clearly taking her away from all that is familiar to her is probably equivalent to taking her away from her family because she has such a high dependency on it. I was thinking (hah! I know, hundredth time I've said this word/phrase) that maybe it is important for people to be put away to a foreign place/situation, like a test of the heart and mind. I don't know. Trying to be positive about my whole situation but not really. What should I listen to?

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